omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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