Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
