hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
