I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
