Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
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