Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
