My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
