i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
