help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
