Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
dude. I can hear the air.
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