Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize