i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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