So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
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Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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