the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
It's blow job season.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
