fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I need a beard to bite.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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