I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
