Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
