One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
