Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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