i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
