walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
