??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
