I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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