Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
why does every cop we meet know your name?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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