I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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