my soul wont recognize me after tonight
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
