u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
