Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
