you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can you bring me the toilet please
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
