If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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