if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
