we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
