i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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