what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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