3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
