He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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