Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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