So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
