If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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