Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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