Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
