I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
