New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
