Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
