you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
