i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
