i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
