two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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