It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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