So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
