ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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