You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
