So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
