i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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