Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
