your parents love me but you hate me
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
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Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
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i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies