3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
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My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".