there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
