Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
